My Soulmate
by Kyla1
Summary: A letter to Kathryn 2 and a half years after her death. J/? (very sad)


Disclaimer: I have just borrowed the characters, I'll give them back again. But the   
angst is all mine  
  
Feedback: YES! I have left a heartfelt note at the bottom, so read that.  
  
Summary: A letter to Kathryn 2 and a half years after her death. VERY SAD!  
  
Note: This note can be written to Kathryn by anyone you want, I know different   
people have different views about who loves who so just think about it from anyone's   
point of view.  
  
Dedicated to my Best Friend in the whole world, Louise! (Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder)  
  
My Soulmate  
  
  
I still dream about that day, I think it's fixated in everyone's minds but mine   
especially. It had been such a normal day aboard Voyager, almost to normal. Then the   
attack had started, the ship was bruised and bettered, thrown all over the place. I   
remember you then, blood covering your face and hair all over the place. You'd still   
managed to stay strong for everyone. You managed to hide the terror so well you   
fooled everyone but me, I could still see it. We fought back viciously, you kept   
everyone going, kept us all on our feet but something went horribly wrong and we   
were overpowered. You must have been terrified but you still stayed calm, you   
always stayed calm even when we were boarded. Then afterwards when we were all   
trapped on the bridge by those creatures you still fought back you were always defiant   
that's one of the things I loved best about you, that and your spirit, no-one could ever   
take that away from you.  
  
We were rounded up like cattle and shoved in the corner. When the order was given   
to kill everyone you were the only one to speak out, the only one to stand up, while   
the rest of us were silent, hating ourselves for wanting to live. You stood in front of   
us, our shield, our protector. The creature had towered above you nearly twice your   
height but still you stood there, it was as if you had grown and you were protecting   
the whole ship alone. I remember your eyes flicking towards me and catching my own   
just for a brief moment that seemed like an eternity. How could I have known that,   
that would be the last time I would look into the eyes of my one true love, my   
soulmate.  
  
When that thing put its hands around your tiny neck we still didn't move, we just   
stood there as if we were in shock, in silence. Then its hands tightened and tightened   
and we suddenly woke up. We screamed, fought, shouted, cried, but nothing made   
any difference, we couldn't get to you. You must have been in so much pain but you   
still stayed strong, you still showed no weakness. You didn't give that thing the   
satisfaction of seeing you break down, you still held its gaze, you didn't struggle. You   
still looked ten times stronger than it could ever be. We still watched helplessly as you   
started to struggle to breathe, your lips became blue and we could see the life being   
zapped out of you. At that moment we all would had gladly given our lives in place of   
yours, you were supposed to be immortal, our lifeline. We tried so hard to get past the   
heartless guards to get to you, we all pleaded with them, some silently others not so   
silently. We all hated ourselves for not being able to get to you, we all felt the despair.   
All through this you never made a sound, I could see you trying so hard to hide the   
pain, but not even your superhuman strength could hide the whimper that escaped   
from your closed lips. It ripped through us and tore our hearts out. You were close to   
death but we still believed we could get to you, we still believed we could save you.   
Then we heard the crack, it was a small sound that grew and was magnified a   
thousand times until it was all we could hear it blocked out everything even our own   
screaming. That one sound, just a small sound like a twig snapping, changed   
everything. It ended Voyager as we knew it, it ended what we had, had all those years.   
When I lie awake at night the same questions still run through my head, if B'ellana   
and the others had managed to get in just one minute earlier would you still be alive?   
Or would it still have been to late? Would it have been better if I was the one who had   
stood up, faced those creatures? Should it had been me who died? If both of us had   
survived would we still have got married? Would you be lying next to me now?   
These questions go through my head all the time, never ending.   
  
It seemed to be an age before we had managed to kill those creatures, our anger and   
pain making us all the more deadly. It had seemed like forever before I had reached   
your side, although others say it was only a few seconds. You must have been killed   
instantly, the second your neck was broken. I think at that moment my heart just   
stopped feeling.   
  
We went through the motions of funeral in a daze, I don't think anyone believed you   
were dead, we kept seeing you everywhere. When we walked into bridge in the   
morning you were there, drinking your coffee, doing your reports. Last thing at night   
when we walked past your ready room we kept seeing you hunched on your desk,   
running a tired hand past your eyes. For a long while we just stopped functioning,   
everyone became quiet. Harry stopped speaking altogether, you were always like a   
mother to him. We couldn't bring ourselves to look at the place where you died, I   
couldn't sit in your chair or go into your ready room. The only thing that kept me   
going was Sandrines, the alcohol in my blood kept me alive, kept me going. I stopped   
sleeping, I couldn't lie in the bed that we had shared together.   
  
I wonder if you had known that you were pregnant? The tiny little miracle that had   
been growing inside you. The doctor saved our baby from you after it was to late to   
save her mother. I still don't know how he did it but he managed to save our baby, he   
somehow managed to help her grow until she was a normal healthy child. For the first   
part of her life I just couldn't look at her, I told the people who were looking after her   
to keep her away from me, I still hadn't cried, I still hadn't let myself go. I just   
functioned but I stopped living and feeling. I refused to be called Captain, I couldn't   
take that title, I think we still all refused to believe you were dead, we all expected   
you to walk through that door. For a long while, almost a year Voyager just drifted,   
going no-where in mourning. Then one day it all changed, I was walking along the   
corridor when a little toddler ran into my leg. I looked down and saw you, I saw your   
hair, I saw your eyes and I saw your smile. I took our daughter in my arms and I cried,   
I cried for what seemed like days, I admitted to myself that you were gone.   
  
Then I pulled myself together, you would be proud now. Our daughter is 2 and she is   
just like you, her favourite food is coffee ice-cream. The bridge is back to that happy   
place it once was, we haven't forgotten but we have moved on. We now have trouble   
shutting Harry up. Sometimes Kathy comes into bridge with me and plays on your   
chair, then she'll come into your ready room with me and cheer me up while I do my   
reports. Q loves Kathy, he spoils her rotten, he loves telling her stories about her   
Mommy, and she loves hearing them. Her first word was Mommy closely followed   
by Daddy. Sometimes at night I let her share my bed and I cuddle her, we're both glad   
for the comfort. Some things we still avoid though. Your quarters have not been   
touched, it's as if we don't want to go into your personal life, we don't want to see   
what you were like on earth. We want to keep the memories of you that we treasure,   
our own personal ones. Your place in the mess hall has remained yours, it's the place   
where we remember you best. Sitting cradling a cup of coffee and staring out at the   
stars as though all the answers to life's problems were there, no matter how crowded   
it might be we won't sit there. Neelix tells me that the little ring where your coffee   
used to be won't come off, but I don't even think he's tried to remove it. On the   
anniversary of your death we are all silent, thinking of you, the first year it was a day   
of sadness but now we can remember you and smile, thinking of the great things you   
did. Sometimes when things get too hard we hold on to Kathy, her smile brightens up   
our days and I've never seen a child so spoilt. She's almost as stubborn as you and   
just as bossy. I pour into her the love I felt for you, and I know that no matter what   
happens I will always be happy that I found my soulmate, I don't know if I will ever   
marry or find anyone else but I do know that they will never compare to the love you   
and I shared.  
  
Now as I sit here staring at our journeys end I wonder what you would do now, if you   
were sitting in the same place as me, just looking at the small green and blue planet   
that has been on our minds so much the last 5 years. Would you smile? Cry? Laugh? I   
don't think you would do any of these some how. I think you would do what you   
always did, search for the answers. I hope you've found them.   
  
End  
  
Please review if you have read all the way to the end! I ACCEPT BAD REVIEWS! I   
know my writing can be crud but if it is I want to know. I won't be bitchy and say   
anything bad about you or anything like that. I will just be grateful you were honest.  



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